I’m trying a new gym right now. One of my commitments to myself through this season is that I will take care of me. Today was my 3rd workout there and 2 of the 3 days I left, I couldn’t hold back the tears.
If you’d like to listen to “Shout” by Tears for Fears while you read this (which is what I’m listening to while I write), here’s a link on YouTube. I don’t even really know what this song is about…but it came to mind and it fits. SHOUT! SHOUT! Let it all out!
I am trying to process day by day the transition that’s coming. Each “last”, which there have been lots of lately, brings me closer to the day I’m dreading. The day Kai stops sleeping/waking/eating/messing up her room/playing with her brother/doing her makeup… here the majority of the time. I know this. I’m spending time in my thoughts, getting moving, laughing with friends, being intentional, and the tears are justified. But leaving the gym? Really?
I pity anyone who saw me driving home. I’m sweating, shaking because I exhausted my muscles, (maybe speeding a bit as I know Kelly is headed to work and I need to get home to Colt) and then to top it off, I can feel my face turning into an ugly cry. Really??
Come on! The workout, endorphins, they are supposed to help. I guess in the moments of physical exhaustion, I don’t have the strength to hold it all in. And Satan, he know JUST where and when to attack. He’s sneaky like this. You know I’m going to be authentic– here were my thoughts as I drove home:
You did this- you let her go.
Man it’s been a while since you’ve worked out- gross. You look gross. Why’d you let yourself go like that?
No wonder your life isn’t what you want it to be.
Seriously. How dare these creep into my head, these lies, as hard as I work to focus on the positives and trust in the Creator who ADORES me & knows the outcome of all this uncertainty. So, as I prep my chicken for later, I had to physically say truths out loud.
She’s a child of God. He has a plan for her life, just like He has a plan for mine.
Yes, I put my family’s needs first, I’m tired, I like oreos- but I’m making changes. Better, not best right now. I’m not gross. I won’t be gross. Healthy steps each day (*Note to self, throw out the leftover oreos from last weekends party)
My life is just fine- and I know the areas where I need to work. SHUT UP!
Shout, shout, let it all out. Thank you Tears For Fears. I am fearful. I am trusting at the same time. And I’m hurting. And that isn’t going to just magically go away. I wish I could do a certain number of burpees and Poof! I looked exactly the way I want, my fat % was in check and my BMI was perfect. But it doesn’t work that way. And this season is going to take hard work too. And consistency. And lots of positive self talk.
I hope in whatever you may be walking through when you read this, that you know you aren’t alone. And when you have a setback, a day where you think “why even bother, I’m a failure”, you remember you aren’t alone. I’m so thankful for my community that lifts me up, checks in on me, and where I can serve others as well- this is important for success- embrace them. I’m so thankful that the last few years have been prepping me to curl up in the arms of my Creator. He knows me- the good and the bad. He loves me. He comforts me. And afterwards He encourages me to be strong and courageous and keep going. But it’s not just me. Each of us is made in the image of God and we all matter.
And you can do it too. Keep going. Your tears are justified but they don’t hold you back!!