I thought it was time to blog again. My brain had to stew and ponder, my heart had to heal and both of them had to reflect. Disappointment sums it up…I had a few pity parties (Why Me?)… no anger…just sadness– and more disappointment. And here, today, 5 weeks later I still don’t understand and I’m still disappointed, but it’s taken a back seat to…
God did grant me peace…and through the holidays I was blessed with hugs, flowers, thoughtful kind words and lots and lots and lots of support. My marriage is stronger and I feel truly adored by those who love me. Was it worth putting it all out there to share? Selfishly yes…for healing. And prayerfully, sharing my story will help someone else know there are others out there who care and empathize.
The Dr says all is well. No reason to fear and we are free to move on when we are ready! Apparently they tested to be sure all 4 were babies and not hidden tumors mixed up in there (again, 4 is almost unheard of naturally) but the test results came back confirming 4 placentas….So move on we will. That could be fun..wink wink! Sharing that news with Kai… looking at all those pregnant around me… walking by the baby isles in Target the 1st time… packing the maternity clothes back up and putting my “regular” clothes back in the closet– just for now– those were tough moments. Feeling numb for days- posting on the day of the Newtown shooting and feeling NOTHING– the girl who cries at USAA and Folgers commercials– NOTHING- not a tear. I sat there thinking “That is awful…those poor families…” completely monotone and completely foreign to who I am. But as a few days passed, then a week, then several weeks… the disappointment is still there, but hope has begun to grow and take it’s place. Hope that soon we are pulling the maternity clothes back out. Hope that God has the perfect baby waiting for us to love. Hope that we will be healthy and normal in a new pregnancy.
I’ve never had ONE best friend…one friend I’ve had my whole life, who knows all my secrets and comes to me as much as I go to them. I’ve always had groups of friends. It’s something else I’ve learned about myself over the years– and that’s ok. I LOVE to love people…and I love to be LOVED by people in return. The heartfelt comments, words of encouragement, prayers, flowers, notes/cards…coffees, baked goods and even a pedicure– texts and phone calls checking in as the weeks passed….friends who weren’t afraid to ask how I was feeling and allowed me to talk about it. Life has taken me through a journey and along the way I have made many really GREAT friends.
We all go through periods in life where we don’t feel worthy or worthwhile. Our self-worth has suffered– for me it was several years of belittlement, manipulation and criticism that beat me down. And through the years I’ve built the worth of this deep rooted sensitive girl back up to the confident woman I am to be. I would have never wished to miscarry those precious babies….but through sharing that story, I was gifted with compliments like: I love you, You make me laugh, I truly enjoyed following your story- I laughed with you and then I cried, You are an amazing Mom, You are so strong/brave/caring…and many others that I will treasure in my heart. Our culture doesn’t always allow us to sit back and realize how amazing we are– and we should! We ARE precious and amazing!! And I have vowed to be even more outgoing- a sincere intention to lift others up. Friends, Family…strangers on the street. I want to make an effort to bless even one person every day– that’s at least 365 of you!
Sitting in Church on Sunday…
As the pastor shared about heaven and hell…and that God has reached out to us over and over and over again…I realized how blessed I am. Blessed that a Heavenly Father loves me no matter what I’ve said, thought or done. Blessed that people around me, my WHOLE life have been there to care and love, share and pray. And I realized that my gift…is sharing. Although some may call it talking too much, I am willing to share anything, at anytime, with anyone. I trust in a God who has never let me down- it may not always make sense, but even in the darkest hours, I’ve felt him reaching out to say– I’m here Mandy, trust Me.
Blessed….I truly am.
*Carried over from my old blog; part of my journey as I have & will blog about ALL of my kids. Angels and all.