In My Soul

Solitude: From grief to a place of peace

My days can feel like chaos- sometimes in the craziness (pee on the carpet- again?), plans that don’t flow like I wrote out in my planner, or simply just how I FEEL that day- escaping for some time of rejuvenation and quiet is important.

One spring day in 1999 I hopped off a plane, my 1st time to California, and my trip didn’t start out quite as I’d imagined.  Instead of driving along the coastline or walking along a beach, I found myself at a pizza joint learning about a business opportunity from a college student named Katie.  She and I would later become great friends although her business savvy was much richer than mine, she would stand with me as a new Mom to Kai, I would stand by her in her wedding with many more moments in between and we would keep in touch even though a giant ocean and several states now separate us.  Little did I know 18 years ago, that Katie’s future mountain ranch would be a place of peace, quiet and healing for me.

God’s beauty is evident wherever you find yourself.  Just stop, look up, look down, look around—but when you are in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, you don’t have to look hard… you are surrounded by his magnificent creation!  Katie’s deck looks out on land sloping down a mountain side.  All day, cross country skiers, snowshoers and snow bikers went by.  From the moment I woke as the sun was creeping up behind the mountain tops, to the setting into darkness, I couldn’t stop looking out the giant picture windows, just taking it all in.  Soft tears flowed down my cheeks as soft snow fell in the early morning. My heart is hurting, my emotions are raw- and I sit wondering which stage of grief I’m in?

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

Since I’ve been processing this for 6 months- 1 year and intensely the last 2 months, I think I’ve worked through Denial (No way will that happen), Anger (How DARE this happen, it’s not fair!), Bargaining (maybe I can prove this is the best choice), Depression (tears- walking around in a fog or crying on a dime) and now I must be lingering in Acceptance.  I thought I’d come up here balling my eyes out- and I know more tears will come, but I’ve barely cried more than those soft tears.  Relaxed.  Breathed. Journaled. Even laughed. But haven’t really cried.

I know I am drawing strength- although not the choice many would make- by wearing my life on the outside.  I am raw and open and I let people into the middle of my chaos.  I’m an external processor- listening to music, sharing, feeling- they all help me cope.  I turn to my tribe, family & friends, who listen, offer support, jokes, prayers and memes.  I pray.  I ask God to put the breath back in my chest, to assure me he’s here and that I’m not alone.  And I sit.  I am still.  Knowing I was going to publicly make a decision that would be the hardest I’ve made in my life this week, I saved a background photo on my phone preparing me.  All throughout the day, I’m reminded “Be still & know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10a.  Perfect.  Be Still.

It was in the stillness I heard his leading.  It was in my fear & pain thattracks_1_2017.jpg I cried out and he drew me closer in.  Through beautiful lyrics, stories shared of other’s journeys and verses in his Word, he has comforted me and guided me through all of the chaos.  And in this moment, he orchestrated for me to find peace and solitude in the inviting home of a friendship that started almost 2 decades ago.  Order from chaos.  I am Adored.  He is in control and has a plan that he will reveal in his time.  It’s said that in darkest moments, his light is able to shine the brightest.  Everything else is tuned out and we are able to focus on what is set before us.  And then I read this quote
: “God is preparing you for the things that he has prepared you for.  Don’t give up.” –Christine Caine

On one hand I’m frustrated, fearful and confused- yet at the same time I’m open, I’m listening and I’m trusting the journey.  We’ll see what is to come and how I look back 1 year, 5 years and even 18 years from now.

Every day is an adventure: #AdoredChaos

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